Desire, ask, believe, receive. (Stella Terrill Mann)
i know it’s been a while since my last post in the Artist’s Way series, but i was feeling a little better today (yay!) and able to catch up on some reading 🙂
this week’s chapter really got me. have you ever had that experience where you’re reading something and you feel like the author is talking directly to you? that’s the best way to describe my experience with this section, “Recovering a Sense of Power”. it’s a bit long, so get comfy! and please keep in mind that this is really condensed…i still recommend that you pick up a copy of the book yourself to get the most out of it 🙂
Julia covers 4 major elements in this section: Anger, Synchronicity, Shame & Growth
Anger:
she starts by explaining that anger has a purpose, that it’s meant to be listened to & respected. really? that got my attention right away, because i initially feel guilty or bad when i get angry. like i’m not supposed to be experiencing that emotion. but she even goes as far as to call it a “sign of health” in an artist.
Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out…We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us.
one of her examples: “Blast him! I could make a better film than that!” (this anger says: you want to make movies. You need to learn how.)
another example: “I can’t believe it! I had this idea for a play three years ago, and she’s gone and written it.” (this anger says: stop procrastinating. Ideas don’t get opening nights. Finished plays do. Start writing.)
do these types of thoughts sound familiar? i know they do to me! next time you get angry over something, think of it as “action’s invitation” and do something about it 🙂
Synchronicity:
you know the phrase, “be careful what you pray for; you just might get it”? how many times have you put a hope or dream or wish out into the universe, only to have something “coincidental” happen. it could be the smallest, silliest thing or it could be something life-changing. you admit to a buried dream of acting & happen to meet a man who teaches beginning actors the next evening. you think about going back to school, only to receive something in the mail about continuing your education.
i’ve experienced this more than a few times in my life. but i have to be honest, the number of times that i’ve dismissed these answers to my desires far outweighs the number of times i’ve accepted them and acted upon them. after all, you tell yourself it’s just a coincidence. could God really have time to hear and respond to our dreams & desires?
when i was 17, i wanted to go to film school at the University of British Columbia. i had lived in Vancouver off and on for a few years because of my dad’s work and it was like my 2nd home. one of the episodes of one of his TV shows was filmed on the UBC campus, and i fell in love with it. they only accepted a few American citizens, but i decided to go for it anyway. i told my family i wanted to do this and talked about it like i was already going. i did all of the paperwork and jumped through all of the hurdles to get my application in on time. and i was accepted. i was so excited, but my fear totally took over and i made one excuse after another as to why i shouldn’t go. i still have the acceptance letter in my keepsake box.
We say we are scared by failure, but what frightens us more is the possibility of success…Take a small step in the direction of a dream and watch the synchronous doors flying open.
Shame:
if you’re like me, you might be thinking that you’ve heard this before…fear of failure…blah blah blah. but the author goes on to explain that those of us who get bogged down by fear before action are usually being sabotaged by an older enemy…shame.
What will they think of me once they know this? This is a frightening question, particularly if we have ever been made to feel ashamed for our curiosities and explorations – social, sexual, spiritual.
did you ever feel that tinge of shame when someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up? i know i did…all the time. i had always wanted to be an actor, writer, director, producer. and after hearing the people you love & trust react with things like “i don’t know if you have what it takes…the industry will destroy you…” well, it wears on you after a while. so, even when a complete stranger would ask what i wanted to do, i would hesitate to respond, then immediately be on the defensive. i finally recognize this as shame.
i’m gonna be really open and honest here…how many of you were raised in the Christian church and taught that sex before marriage was wrong? how many of you still had sex before you were married, but felt guilty or ashamed? that was me. and i’ve also had the same type of response when explaining my spiritual beliefs. when i wanted to stop going to church when i was 19 (for reasons i need a whole separate blog post for!), i was made to feel like an awful person. so, my conviction waivers a bit when i’m confronted with this topic. my shame reappears.
our parents mean well, but they still have a way of making us feel easily ashamed as children. and this shame is carried with us into our adult lives. it can be debilitating for an artist, specifically when it comes to criticism. so, we need to learn where to seek criticism for our work, otherwise we can easily become blocked or use the lovely coping device – detachment.
i love what Julia says about how to react when our work is criticized: “At these times, we must be very firm with ourselves and not pick up the first doubt. We simply cannot allow the first negative thing to take hold. Taking in the first doubt is like picking up the first drink for an alcoholic. Once in our system, the doubt will take on another doubt – and another.”
Growth:
through all of this, it’s important that we practice being kind to ourselves. we believe that as artists we must be tough & cynical, but leave that to the critics. you will be much more productive when coaxed than when bullied.
Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself. A creative recovery is a healing process. Growth occurs in spurts. You will lie dormant sometimes. Do not be discouraged. Think of it as resting.
you may have an awesome, productive week followed by a week of exhaustion. don’t get down on yourself. just keep moving forward. keep doing your Morning Pages, even when they seem useless. keep practicing your art, even when you don’t feel inspired.
Marathon runners suggest you log ten slow miles for every fast one. The same holds true for creativity.
if you made it to the end, thanks for hanging in there with me! i hope you found something helpful/useful here and would love to hear your thoughts 🙂 and i hope you have a wonderful week ahead!
xoxo
jess